


The Tenth Doctor Christmas Special Written by Someone Who's Never Watched Doctor Who

by ratbrain



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Humor, I wrote this as a joke for my gf, seriously I don't even watch the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratbrain/pseuds/ratbrain
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, and someone shows up on the TARDIS???? Who could it be, and whatever will ensue??(this is a joke, pls don't take it seriously)
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/The Master (Simm)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so I have seen like one episode of Doctor Who in my life, but my girlfriend loves the show and so she's told me a lot about it. So as a joke I wrote this for her as a sort of Christmas present, but I thought it was funny enough to share it on ao3. There's probably a shit ton of inaccuracies, but hopefully you enjoy!
> 
> Heads up: the Dalek pipe is a real thing, and yes neither of us could figure out how it worked and I'm pretty sure they don't even sell it anymore. 
> 
> Also content warnings for gay slurs

It was Christmas Eve, and the Doctor and Rose Tyler were hanging out in the TARDIS. The Doctor was happy, because this took place sometime during season 2, so he was still allowed to be happy and have nice things. 

There was a knock on the door, which was very confusing. But still, the Doctor went to answer it. 

It was the master!

“What are  _ you  _ doing here?” The Doctor asked. 

“Oh so I can’t visit an old friend for the holidays?” his nearly reptilian eyes glared at the Doctor. 

“I mean you can, but like I’d really rather you not,” the Doctor shrugged. 

“Wow, you’re a bitch. First you frame me for murder and now I can’t even visit you on Christmas? That’s fake bitch shit.”

“At least I didn’t choose the name The Master, you gay slur.”

“Did you just say gay slur out loud?”

“Yes because this is the BBC and also a children's show technically, so I can’t say faggot.”

“One, you just did,” The Master said, crossing his arms, “Two, I just called you a bitch like five times and that was fine.”

“Yeah,  _ someones  _ really unsure of how censorship in the UK works even though they’re writing this on a laptop and it would take like five seconds to look it up.”

“Yeah, but it’s way funnier this way.”

“Is it?”

“Maybe.”

“Hey guys what the  _ fuck  _ are you talking about?” Rose Tyler asked. 

“See she gets to say fuck too!” the Master retorted. “Anyways it doesn’t matter. I’m just here to say Merry Christmas, and I got you a present.”

“I don’t care.”

“Wow. Don’t you even want to know what it is?”

“No not at all actually.”

“Pleeeeeeaaaaaasseee?”

“Now I kind of want to know what it is,” Rose Tyler said. 

“See! Someone here has taste.”

“Okay  _ fine  _ but if I open it will you at least go away?”

“Maybe.”

“I guess that’s the best I’m going to get,” The Doctor sighed as he took a small wrapped box from the Master and peeled away the wrapping paper. Underneath it was a small box, which the Doctor opened to see a tiny glass Dalek. 

At first he freaked out a bit, and nearly dropped it because he thought it was real. When he realized that it wasn’t, the Master laughed and asked, “So, what do you think?”

“I mean, it’s a tiny Dalek. There’s not much I really can think about it?”

“Yeah, but it’s also a pipe.”

“Like for tobacco.”

“No, for weed you fucking loser.”

“We’re literally Time Lords. Why the hell would we want to get high? We can do all sorts of other cool stuff.”

“Yeah, but hear me out. So in 2020 there’s gonna be these two lesbians, right? One of them is really gonna be into Time Lords and all that stuff. The other one isn’t, but is going to write a really horrible fanfiction of this exact scenario. Anyways, they found this pipe like a few days ago on the internet and couldn’t figure out how it worked, so the one who isn’t into this stuff is going to hope the other finds this hilarious.”

“None of that made any sense whatsoever.”

“Does anything in our lives ever make sense? Do you wanna use it?”

“I don’t know how.”

“Of course you don’t. Nerd.”

“You don’t know how either!”

“You don’t know that.”

“We were literally childhood friends I think I would notice if you just did stuff like this.”

“Okay that’s fair.”

  
  


THE END

  
  



	2. bet you didn't think there was a SECOND CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha betcha didn't think there was a second part to this atrocity of a fic, now did you? But little did you know I am gay and the first chapter made my girlfriend laugh so I decided to have some fun and write another part

It was still Christmas Eve, because it was five seconds after where the first part of this left off. 

“So can I show you how to use it now?” The Master asked, and the Doctor sighed. 

“Fine, since I know you won’t leave me alone until I do.”

“Hooray!” The Master cheered, and began showing the Doctor how to use a pipe. He didn’t know either, though, because he was a total fucking loser who had no clue how to smoke weed. Eventually Rose Tyler had to step in and help because it got really sad watching them try to figure it out. Also they didn’t actually have weed, the Master was just weirdly adamant on showing the Doctor how a pipe works. Remember that, it might be important later. 

After the Doctor had finished taking an invisible hit from an empty pipe, he asked “So will you please leave me alone now?”

At that, The Master let out a laugh. Except it sounded really disgusting, like if the rats on the New York subway could cough that was what his laugh sounded like and it made everyone insanely uncomfortable. 

“Can you please shut the fuck up?” The Doctor asked. 

“Wow that was really sexy.”

“What?”

“Nothing, anyways I’m laughing because you don’t know about my genius plan.”

“Considering it was created by you, I’m going to have to assume it’s like, a mediocre plan at best.”

The Master ignored that remark as he spoke, monologuing but not in a cool way, “You see old friend-”

“Don’t call me that, I don’t wanna be your friend.”

“That pipe that you just placed your mouth on was infected with covid, you stupid bitch!”

“Wait like that Earth disease from 2020?”

“Yes? Where are we?”

“No clue. I know it’s Christmas Eve though, so it’s anyone's guess because  _ someone  _ didn’t think that in the lives of people who roam through space and time it would be relevant to add a location.”

“Well, ignoring all that, you just fell victim to my plan!” he said, and began laughing again but everyone ignored him because it was still really gross. 

“This is like, an okay plan.”

“What do you mean?! It took me weeks to think of!”

“Yeah that part’s not surprising. But you do know that this would take like 5 days to even have any effect on me, and you’ll probably be gone by then.”

“But still you’ll be really sick.”

“I mean yeah, maybe if you’re right about giving me covid. But like, that’s the best you can do?”

“Wow motherfucker I give you a Christmas present and this is how you thank me?” The Master said, crossing his arms really dramatically, like he was playing Hamlet but in a really bad production of Hamlet. 

“Your Christmas present was trying to kill me, and you didn’t even do it in a cool way.”

“Yeah that’s how I show affection.”

“Why can’t you do it in literally any other way?”

“Dramatic narrative.”

“Please get the fuck out.”

“Fine, but can I ask you for a favor first?”

The Doctor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He really wanted this annoying little bitch to go away, but he seemed very intent on not only staying but on making really bad excuses to stay. “Why can’t you just leave?”

“Kiss me.”

“Wait what?! Why?”

“Why not?”

“But, you’re a guy?”

“Yeah, but Steven Moffat isn’t the one writing this, it’s the lesbian from 2020 who’s a major loser, remember? So we can kiss even though we’re both guys.”

“Okay I retract that statement. I don’t wanna kiss you not because you’re a guy, I don’t wanna kiss you because you’re an annoying fucking weasel.”

“But pleeeeease,” The Master said, in a way that made it super obvious that he was going for compelling and kind but instead came out like a whiny teenager. 

“You look like a fucking demon, no.”

“But it’s christmas!” The Master whined again. 

Rose Tyler joined in, “he is right about that,” she said, “technically it is Christmas. I think we might even have mistletoe lying around here somewhere,” she continued, and went off in search of it. 

“It’s not even Christmas! It’s Christmas Eve!” The Doctor tried, but no one paid any attention because it was at that moment that Rose Tyler showed up with the mistletoe and held it over their heads. 

“Doesn’t matter,” she said, “you’re under mistletoe now so you have to kiss, it’s like a rule.”

“If I do this will you both shut the fuck up?” The Doctor asked, and they both agreed. He sighed and leaned in, closing his eyes.

They had a hot make out session in the TARDIS and confessed their hidden feelings for one another and all was merry and bright. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact my memory is terrible so I have a note on my laptop that I add to every time my girlfriend talks about Doctor Who so that I can remember stuff that she likes/dislikes about it or just general knowledge. Anyways the note is titled "10th doctor sad" and I used it to write this.


End file.
